Attack of the Brain Warp Virus
by ClockworkScales
Summary: A virus has trapped Rimmer in virtual reality. The trio enter, only to find that Lister and Cat have to face their sexual insecurities in order to proceed. Is seeing Rimmer pose nude worse than facing death? Lister/Rimmer
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I haven't written fanfiction in a very long time. Hopefully you all like it!**

* * *

'Mr Lister, sir, I do believe you should have a look at this! It's really _quite_ important.'

Lister looked up from his zero-g football magazine to see Kryten, his brows slightly raised.

'What is it?'

'Your virtual reality video game is … how should I say … _broken_.'

Lister jumped out of the bed.

'What? Broken how?'

'Mr. Rimmer is trapped inside. I think you ought to try help him. I'm afraid we may have another computer virus on our hands!'

'Rimmer is trapped inside the game _again_?' Lister said, in disbelief. 'I thought we fixed that virus already?'

'Perhaps, but computer viruses are a little trickier these days. It appears the one we destroyed was able to change and adapt to its new environment, much like regular viruses, except it is now a different strain.'

'Yes, well, that's just lovely, ain't it?'

* * *

In the computer room, Rimmer was seen lying in a chair with a large black helmet on, wearing gloves and boots of the same variety.

'Let's see just how stuck he really is,' Lister said, moving his hands toward the helmet. Despite a hearty tug the helmet stayed firmly on Rimmer's head. 'What is this? Super glue or something?'

'Brain glue,' Kryten explained, motioning toward Rimmer's helmet. 'Mr. Rimmer has asssimilated the virus into his hard-light form. The virus is able to manipulate the program through Rimmer, as well as through the software itself.'

'Holly!' Lister called.

'No need to yell, I'm right behind you.' said a female voice.

Lister spun around.

'So there's no way you can, like, remove the virus on your own? I thought you had a new anti-virus software installed or something?'

'I did,' Holly agreed. 'But I'm afraid the anti virus software has caught the virus as well, rendering it practically useless. It might get me soon, if we're not careful.'

'Damn it,' Lister grumbled, crossing his arms. 'So do we have to go into the program and kill it that way? You aren't able to find an antidote, Kryten?'

'I could, Mr. Lister, sir, but I'm afraid this one is quite potent. Like the Armageddon virus, I believe it would be foolish for me to attempt to tackle this virus alone. As we cannot remove our friend Rimmer from the game, I think our best course of action is for you and Cat -'

'Did someone say my name?' Cat skidded into the room, looking around, a broad grin on his face. He noticed Rimmer and how everybody was huddled around him. 'We going into a Western?'

'Well, this time, no. I believe the virus has changed itself in a way that makes it, on the surface, very unpleasant for us to deal with. I would dare say it's using Rimmer's mind to evaluate our personalities and formulating behaviour within Rimmer and the game's environment that we would find quite difficult to deal with. After all, its goal is to overcome any obstacles in its control of the game, including us.'

'Oh no. It's on _purposely_ going to have us step into Rimmer's _mind_? And not only that, it's selecting and changing his mind to be so utterly repulsive, so absolutely _vile_, to us specifically? Look, I've been to Rimmer's mind - we all have. It's a mess, all right?' Lister looked at Rimmer, exasperated. 'There's no way we could just leave him there?'

'Unfortunately not, sir,' Kryten explained, peering at Holly. 'If it gets into Holly who knows what will happen? It might project virtual reality all across the ship, and with all our minds put together, imagine how horrible it might be!'

'Yes, I don't fancy seeing everybody walking around naked and doing hula hoops, either.' Holly quipped.

Lister frowned, and pulled Cat toward him, pointing to the spare sets of helmets and gloves.

'We gotta do it, man, or we're all toast.'

'Toast? But I don't even like toast!'


	2. Chapter 2

Kryten, Lister, and Cat projected themselves into the virtual reality game. Immediately, they found themselves wearing nothing but tight leather shorts. Oddly enough, they were in an exceptionally clean, sterile room. The walls were white, but it could hardly be seen, for these were posters of an oiled naked Rimmer posing and displaying poor muscular form all over it.

'Oh, you're joking!' Lister cried.

Cat laughed and pointed at Lister's belly.

'You gotta lose some weight, my friend!'

Lister looked around, his jaw dropping more and more each second.

'This is so sick. Damn Rimmer and his stupid smegging mind! Why can't we summon any better clothes, Kryten? Is this seriously all we've got?

'I'm afraid so, Mr. Lister, sir,' Kryten nodded, feeling relatively unabashed in his queer outfit. 'You can't let this sort of thing get to you. Remember, it is a virus trying to frighten us away. It is merely using Rimmer for information.'

'Well, it must have gotten the information from somewhere...' Lister grumbled.

Lister and Cat cringed, looking at the images on the walls.

'So where's the door?' Cat asked, looking around.

'I think it must be at Mr. Rimmer's crotch,' Kryten said, pointing, as if it was a perfectly normal thing to say. Rimmer's face smiled at them from the walls, his pale flesh glistening. A small silver knob in front of them beckoned from the poster's glistening skin.

'This is so weird,' Lister mumbled, trying not to look directly at Rimmer's crotch. 'I think I'm gonna need some serious therapy after this.'

'You and me both!' Cat agreed, staring at the floor.

Kryten touched the doorknob, and jumped in surprise. His hand retracted as if he had touched a hot iron.

'What?' Lister demanded. 'Open the damn door, already, won't you? It can't get much more worse than this, can it?'

'Why don't you open the door, sir?' Kryten suggested, beckoning.

'Fine, I will.'

Lister's bare hand touched the silver doorknob, and he felt a surge of energy flood through his body, making his body work in ways he didn't want it to. In his ears, he heard the sound of Rimmer. But it was not a sound he particularly wanted to hear. He turned the knob and opened it, before pulling his hand off.

'Man, this is gross,' Lister said, looking down at himself.

'It appears you've got a double polaroid, sir.'

'Yeah, I know,' Lister said mournfully, trying to think of normal and boring things. 'But it's not that which is gross. It's that I got it listening to Rimmer making damn _moaning_ noises. That's one creepy door.'

'Eeuch! This is one sick virus!' Cat exclaimed. 'I am _not_ opening the next one!'

'What you two don't seem to understand is that it's choosing this type of environment because it makes the two of you extremely uncomfortable!' Kryten explained.

'And _you_. You didn't want to open the door,' Lister retorted. 'I thought robots weren't supposed to feel _sexual feelings_?'

'They don't, sir, I was merely surprised. I thought I ought to let you see what we're up against. Besides,' Kryten said. 'The two of you need to become comfortable seeing Rimmer in a sexual context, because otherwise it is only going to get worse.'

'I wish we could get used to something else,' Lister said, sighing.

'So you're saying we need to become all zen and stuff,' Cat asked, 'about something as disgusting as this?'

'Yes,' Kryten said firmly. 'It will be more comfortable for you if you do. Remember, this is a life or death situation. We don't need any animal instincts getting in the way here! We need to save Rimmer, and the game, before it's too late.'

'And how do we do that, anyway?' Cat snapped. 'How do we defeat the virus if all of this is its form? When do we get to beat up the bad guys?'

Lister yanked the door open, not touching the knob. The corridor that followed was covered in a sticky white liquid. It dripped from the ceiling, off the walls, and soaked the ceiling. The smell was horrendous.

'Man, you say we have to be comfortable with walking through corridors of Rimmer's smegging vindaloo surprise?' Lister griped, covering his mouth and nose, but to no avail.

'Yes, sir! Haven't I made it absolutely clear?'

Cat took a deep breath.

'Well, we gotta get through this sooner or later.'

He ran across the corridor, only to slip half way and fall flat on his face. He sat up, wiping the goop off of him.

'Who am I kidding? This is totally gross!' Cat tried to clean himself as best he could. 'Lister, I'm sorry, but you're on your own. You're used to living in your own bodily fluids, I'm sure you can handle this much better than I.'

Cat's hands lifted towards his head, but he couldn't move the helmet. He was stuck. He yelled in exasperation.

'Not this again!'

Lister strode across the corridor, trying to ignore the warm squelch between his toes, and helped Cat up.

'Look, man, it's hard, but we're gonna have to do this.'

'That's the spirit, Mr. Lister! Now let us press on. I'm sure we will encounter the virus in its true form soon enough.'

They got to the end of the corridor, and the door knob seemed to beckon them closer. Lister and Kryten stared at Cat.

'Your go, Cat.' Lister said.

'Why can't Kryten do it? He doesn't care about hearing Rimmer making damn sex noises!'

'That's exactly why he shouldn't_,_' Lister said forcefully, before patting the feline-humanoid on the back, looking sympathetic. 'Look... It's gonna get worse soon, Cat, and we've all got to be prepared.'


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hope you like it so far! Are the shenanigans too much? I think the attempted humor helps balance it, but that's just me. Lemme know what you think. :)**

* * *

Cat, ashamed, was hiding the newly formed bulge behind his hands. The doorknob apparently had the exact same effect on Cat as it did Lister.

'Oh, Cat, just forget about it, all right? We're all men here.'

'Yeah, that's exactly what the problem is!' Cat griped. 'I don't want you guys seeing my manly parts – they're for lady eyes only, all right?'

'Yeah... Lady eyes only... Just pretend we're ladies, okay?'

'Ha ha...' Cat laughed falsely, before being stern. 'No.'

As Lister pulled open the door, the new room revealed itself. It was very large, and in front of them stood three Rimmers. Not any kind of Rimmers though, naked ones. Not even their smug smiles or H-embroidered foreheads could distract them from the stiff plumbing they had going on below.

Cat's, Lister's, and Kryten's eyes widened. They were surrounded.

'One for each of us?' Cat asked, his voice etched with nervous fear. 'Oh, hell no!'

Cat turned to the door, only to find that there was no door anymore. The walls, that pristine white, glimmered at them. They were trapped. The three Rimmers turned on them.

'White is the colour of virgins,' Kryten told Lister and Cat under his breath, who stared at him.

'But I thought he lost his virginity already,' Lister mumbled, staring at the naked Rimmers who began to approach them. They stepped back, and hit the wall. 'Y'know, on that Hologram ship?'

'I don't know, sir, but perhaps he still harbours some insecurities concerning sex,' Kryten wondered.

Lister was about to say something in reply, when he noticed his body didn't feel quite so inhibited. He looked down. He was completely naked. A quick look at his friends proved that they were in the same predicament (except Kryten had no genitals to speak of).

Cat tried to cover himself up.

'What do they want? Oh, god, what do they want?'

The Rimmers spoke simultaneously.

'Only once you serve us will you be able to save your friend.'

'Kryten!' Lister hissed, not taking his eyes off the Rimmers. 'Shouldn't you have finished designing some sort of anti virus by now? Kill them!'

'I'm afraid I am not able to complete the anti virus until we find the real Rimmer! That is where the virus's heart is – it is safest there. I can't complete the program until we get past these ones and encounter the true Mr. Rimmer!' Kryten said quickly.

'And we don't have any weapons?' Lister asked.

'None at all, sir. It looks like it's just bare fists for now.'

'Well, damn it, if that's how they want it, then that's how it's gonna be!' Lister cried, before running forward, flashing his naked buttocks at his friends as he lunged at one of the Rimmers and punched them in the face.

'Oh, god, my eyes!' Cat cried, removing one hand to cover his face. But he had to uncover it soon enough because one of the Rimmers lunged at him. He sprinted across the room like a cat dipped in water.

Kryten, however, approached the other Rimmer and offered his hand. The naked Rimmer took it, and shook his hand.

'Now, I believe we may have a bit of a misunderstanding here...' Kryten began. But the Rimmer's other hand raised up into the air, and a large serrated knife grew out of it. 'Okay... Perhaps not!'

Kryten ducked from the swing and ran. The three protagonists ran around the room like chickens with their heads off.

Lister shouted at Kryten from across the room, dodging the Rimmer close behind him, who was trying to attack him with a metal pole.

'How do we stop them? We have no weapons, and we can't hurt them like this!'

Cat screamed from across the room back at Lister, 'This one wants to make sweet love to me! Help!'

Kryten suddenly thought of something, and told Lister as soon as he passed. The look on Lister's screwed up face was enough to indicate that what had to be done wasn't pretty.

'You can't let the images get to you! Remember, it's trying to frighten you. It's possible the true virus is very weak and vulnerable, so requires this sort of heavy defence mechanism!'

'Yeah, you're telling me...' Lister mumbled. As Lister passed Cat, he told him what to do. They dodged the Rimmers' attacks and carried on. Lister stopped, suddenly, and turned to face the naked Rimmer that was chasing him.

Lister forced a smile at the Rimmer, trying with all his might to make himself feel good about this situation – to feel comfortable. He held out his arms, and walked towards the Rimmer.

'C'mon, big boy, give uncle Listy a hug, why don't ya?'

The fear slowly trickled outside his body as he approached the Rimmer, which all of a sudden looked unsure and uncomfortable. As soon as he wrapped his arms around the naked Rimmer, it disappeared. It was as if it was never there to begin with.

'Just hug him!' Lister yelled at Cat, who was still running from his Rimmer. Kryten approached Lister, and patted his shoulder; Kryten's Rimmer was already gone.

'I'm proud of you, Mr. Lister, sir. I would never have thought you had it in you.'

'Well, what can I say?' Lister said. 'I'm all about the lovin'... even if it has to be for smeggy ol' Rimmer.'

Kryten and Lister laughed, and watched as Cat plucked up the courage to hug his Rimmer. As he did, his face of fear turned into a broad smile, his fangs glimmering.

'Well, that wasn't too hard!' he said. 'Though it would have been nicer if we both didn't have to be naked!'

'Yeah, well, we're all men here, remember?' Lister said. 'If this is the best the virus can do, then saving Rimmer has got to be easy peasy.'


	4. Chapter 4

Instead of a door revealing itself to them against a wall, a wooden trapdoor appeared underneath their feet. It opened with ease, revealing a marble staircase that descended in a spiral. The three protagonists were still naked, but they descended nonetheless, not caring whether they encountered another fake Rimmer, or another poster of a fake Rimmer. They would be able to handle it.

As they descended the stairs, they chatted and wondered what they would encounter at the end of the stairs. Fire torches lit the way down.

'The virus still has its hold over the game, and over Rimmer,' Kryten explained, 'however, it appears the two of you have damaged its self defence mechanism with your own inner strength. It should be unable to attack us in quite the same way. While I am quite proud of the both of you, we still haven't defeated the virus. We mustn't let our guard down..'

'It's not like we had much of a choice, but...' Lister said. 'Does this mean it's going to be a sausage fest when we get back?'

'No way hosay,' Cat retorted. 'This is a one off opportunity! You should all feel grateful that you get to admire my body in such a personal way!'

His fangs gleamed, but Lister and Kryten didn't pay much attention to him.

'Yes, we're all very grateful to be able to see your jingle bells,' Lister said sarcastically. 'Remember that the real Rimmer gets to see us all naked, too. What a shock that must be.'

'A shock!' Cat asked. 'A shock of amazement, I think you mean – about me, not you two.'

'Cat, I think you're getting a bit full of yourself. I'm the one who's had the most girlfriends here.'

Suddenly, Kryten stopped, and Lister and Cat stopped too. They had reached the bottom of the stairwell. The real Rimmer was naked and unconscious in a cage before them. A metal collar was around his neck, and he was curled up in a ball.

'Nothing we haven't seen before, right lads?' Lister said, trying to be confident. He whispered to Kryten. 'Who did this to him? Was it the virus?'

'Mr. Lister, I think we ought to ask him ourselves. Only once we free him will I have completed an antidote formula. However,' Kryten said, lowering his voice. 'This might mean we have to talk to him quite seriously about himself and his life. I assume the virus is hiding somewhere deep inside his psyche, somewhere that hasn't seen the light of day for a very long time. It must have chosen somewhere very secure to go.'

'Are you done yet, Kryten? I am awake, you know.'

The sneering voice of Arnold J. Rimmer wafted over to the trio, who then approached the cage.

'Oh stand back, why don't you. I don't want you waving your nasties in my face, thank you very much! I have more dignity than that.'

'Says the man in a collar,' Cat said. 'I mean, I'm a cat, and look at me!'

'Shut up, Cat.' Lister said, before kneeling a good meter before Rimmer, who was sitting up, his privates tucked in between his legs, pressed firmly together. 'Look, Rimmer, it's good to see you. You know about this virus, right?'

'Of course I know about the virus! It's done all this, hasn't it?' Rimmer snapped, before frowning, peering down at himself and the cage. He tugged at the collar around his neck. 'I'm stuck like this, as you may have noticed. Mind helping out, already?'

'Yes, well... Rimmer,' Lister began. 'Kryten says the virus is inside of your psyche, and that we have to get it out.'

'I heard, but you can't do that – it's an invasion of privacy.'

'I think we've all had our privacy invaded, buddy,' Cat said.

'But this isn't fair!' Rimmer complained, throwing his arms up in the air and swivelling around. 'Why should I have to bear my soul to all of you? Shouldn't I be able to tell just one person, or myself even? Julius Caesar wasn't killed by a mob of naked men, so I don't see why I should be.'

Lister and Cat looked at Kryten who nodded.

'Mr. Rimmer is right; he does not have to reveal his psyche to all of us, although it won't work if he does this on his own. I can't possibly imagine what he would have to reveal, but perhaps it is best that we try to make Rimmer as comfortable as possible during this event. The information I require from the virus will be able to be retrieved once it is out. It will be in a vulnerable position and we can still get it while it's hot.'

'Good,' Rimmer said, smiling for once, before looking miserable again. 'Then I choose Lister.'

'Me?' Lister cried, looking around at Cat and Kryten. 'What's wrong with one of the other guys?'

'Well, you do know Rimmer the best, sir,' Kryten reasoned. 'You've known him longer than Cat or I. I'd say the two of you are closer to him than any of us, and Mr. Rimmer's request should be followed. We will leave the two of you alone. There will be a ripple in this virtual place when the virus reveals itself, so we will be able to get it in time. Good luck to the both of you.'

Kryten bowed before disappearing up the steps.

Cat followed, looking back at Lister and Rimmer.

'But I want to see them suffer!'


	5. Chapter 5

Lister and Rimmer were alone in the marble room, lit only by torches. A chain dangled from Rimmer's metal collar, and was wrapped around the cage. There was a tense silence.

'Do you know what you're supposed to say? What part of your psyche is supposed to be revealed?' Lister asked, trying to break the ice. 'I mean, we all kind of know about your parents, and I know about the gazpacho soup thing. We've been through a lot, y'know, so... Do you know what you're supposed to say? Where would the little bugger be hiding?'

'It's okay, Lister, you don't need to prod.' Rimmer said forlornly. 'I've known about this for awhile now. It's like Napoleon's illness; it was there for awhile before the cold grip of death took his life from him.'

'What is? Are you _dying_, Rimmer?'

'Metaphorically speaking,' the hologram admitted. He looked mournfully at his friend. 'You gimboit, how am I supposed to talk to you like this?'

At his word, Lister was inside Rimmer's cage. The men were naked and quite close now. It was making Lister a little uncomfortable. Stop it, he thought. It's the virus... I've hugged a naked Rimmer before, this can't be that bad. We have to stay together.

'How did you do that? I thought you didn't have control?' Lister asked. 'Why do you need me to be in your cage, you smeg?'

'I'm afraid I have all the control of a fevered man over his dreams, right now' Rimmer mumbled. 'It's shameful trying to speak to you from behind bars. At the very least you should be in the same position.'

There was a few minutes of silence, and of Rimmer scratching his neck and hair. He wheezed a little, and Lister patted his back, trying to get him to calm down. Rimmer pushed his hand off, and then stared at Lister, quite seriously, with his beady eyes. Sweat dripped off his forehead. He gulped.

'I... The thing is - I love you.'

Lister looked dumbfounded.

'Are you serious? Oh my god, wait till the guys hear!'

'No!' Rimmer stammered, looking fearful. 'Don't.'

'Ah, I'm just joking, Rimmer. You know I wouldn't really do that.'

There was a pause.

'Really? You won't?' Rimmer asked, before shaking his head and pointing at Lister's nose. 'You gimboit, you're lying, I can tell.'

'Stop being so paranoid, you smeghead!'

'Then why did you suggest something like that? "I love you" is not the most normal thing to hear from a dead man.'

'I guess not, but, y'know, I do like you...'

'You just don't like like me, I get it, Listy, you don't need to protect my feelings.'

'Well, I mean, I didn't come all this way for nothing... we came to save you.'

'You liar. You selfish gits only came to save your own necks! You don't give a rat's arse about poor smeggy Rimmer.'

'Look, I'm not going to tell the others, all right? But it's obvious there's something else you're cooping up or we'd be out of here by now.'

'Fine, I might as well ask. Do you love me?'

Lister's lip twitched.

'I _like_ you Rimmer. Love's a strong word for me to say, but I guess I do like you a little bit. It's pretty lonely out here in space, I can't really blame you for how things turned out, I guess.'

'All right, if you like me like you say, then kiss me.'

'What?'

'I said kiss me, you nincompoop. How many times do I have to say?'

'How much longer do I have to play along?'

'Until I'm convinced you actually give a rat's arse about me.'

'Fine, then.'

The two men's lips touched. Lister was surprised by how hot Rimmer felt. Perhaps he wasn't joking about the fevered man thing. As Rimmer kissed him, Lister felt something inside of him. He didn't feel so lonely anymore. He didn't feel that sad. The misery of living alone in space... it was having the edge taken off of it. Without Rimmer, would he even be the slightest bit happy on the ship? What's a bit of a kiss in the end? Then again, maybe he was getting sick, too.

The two broke apart. Rimmer's face was pink, and he panted, possibly having a bit of a panic attack. Lister looked dazed.

'Hey, I was actually starting to enjoy that.'

'Stop that. I don't want to hear it.'

'Why is everything still the same?' Lister asked. 'I thought everything was cool again.'

'Obviously not, you gimboit.'

'Stop calling me gimboit, you smeghead.'

There was a clang, and weight on top of them. Rimmer's collar snapped off, and the men were free from the collapsed cage. The two brushed themselves off, after climbing out from the rubble, and Lister helped Rimmer to his feet. The two looked at each other for a second, before they found themselves in clothes. Rimmer was in his uniform and Lister was in his usual jacket and pants attire.

'This is just lovely. Everything back to normal. I guess you'll be on your way now. Good bye!' Rimmer turned on his heel.

'Don't be a prick, Rimmer. We're still stuck here, you know.'

Rimmer ran up the steps.

Lister followed him.

'Come back, you crazy idiot!' Lister yelled.

Rimmer tried to open the door in the ceiling, but it wouldn't budge.

'Look, stay still, okay?' Lister said. 'I'm going to tell you something very important.'

Rimmer peered at him, skeptical. 'Yeah? What could you possibly have to say which is important?'

'Look, Rimmer, I like you okay. And, not just like. And not just like like, okay? I _love_ you, man. Time on this ship would be deadly boring without you, so if us being friends means that we have to be in love as well, then heck, why not? I'm not going anywhere for awhile, and neither are you. And y'know, we might not last forever, but at least if we have each other then we should be cool, yeah? If it makes you happy, and if it'll make you stay with us, then yeah, I love you.'

Suddenly, the room began to shake, and decompose. Strings of data hung from the walls as it began to rebuild itself. Rimmer and Lister stared at each other, and the door flew open. Kryten and Cat, both fully clothed, were standing out the door. Lister and Rimmer leapt out, and Kryten beamed with joy as the marble walls disappeared and were replaced with a dingy street with boppy 8-bit music. A choose-your-character menu appeared in front of them, and slowly got closer. The weird and virus-made Rimmer World gone.

'I take it the anti virus worked, then?' Lister asked.

'Oh, it certainly has, Mr. Lister, sir!' Kryten exclaimed.

'Let's get outta here then! I'm getting hungry!' Cat cried.

They all pulled off their helmets. The four of them were in the virtual reality room, and started to remove their gloves and boots. Rimmer sat in his chair, staring at the floor. Cat ran off at lightning speed, while Kryten went to check that Holly was functioning properly and to run the anti virus formula on her computer system.

'You all right, man?' Lister asked, touching Rimmer's shoulder. Rimmer looked up at him and smiled tersely.

'Yes, I'm quite fine, thank you.'

'Y'know I won't tell anyone what you said? Lighten up a little.'

'Yeah, I know, Listy. Scout's honour, and all. You can be as gross and foul as you like, and I will be as pompous and clean as I like. But all that said and done, we're still crewmates.'


End file.
